Yeah.

Well I'm a failure. SO Square one again. Started today. 

I have a solid plan. :)

I don't even know

I really don't know what to do right now. 

I don't know what the hell is going on in my mind. I don't know what the hell is going on in my life.

Its like I have 2 sides to myself. One thats very loving and helpful and friendly (bright and shiny me) and then theres the bitch who hates the whole world, including myself and can't even say one nice thing and just flips out at the flick of a switch... who am I? Sometimes that persons just inside my head... its just awful thoughts I have... but sometimes it transforms into the physical self. One I regret as soon as bright and shiny starts to come through again. 

I don't deserve this life. I'm too fucked up! Someone else deserves this more than me :( Someone a lot nicer than me. I'm a waste of space.

I miss my gran so much. My cousin went to a psychic and my gran was there, apparently the psychic was so happy by all the love she felt :) I love my gran so much, she was an amazing person. But the psychic also said that my gran thought my grandad wasn't doing well. I wish there was something I could do but I don't know what, I need to start spending more time with him, I know I do...like lunch and things! I feel like I went back on my word. 

When my gran thought she was going to die, I said we would take care of Grandad. I don't feel like i've done enough. I am such a selfish person. The last conversation I had with Granny... I we both said we love each other. I am so happy that that was the last conversation we had, they're the three words that I think are the best last meaningful things to say to anyone. 

I really wish I could see her again, to speak to her again. I feel like i blew that. I had 3 dreams with her in. One where we just sat there. She was at the foot of her bed just sat on the end and I was at the opposite end, in this dream we just stared at each other. In the second dream she was dead, but then she was alive. In the 3rd we were in a car at sainsburys and my mum was helping my grandad and myself and my gran were sat in the car, her in the drivers seat and me in the back and she just said i'll try and be with you and help you if i remember how and I said "why are you here? how are you here?" and she said "I don't know" and I woke up. I felt so emotional for the whole day after this dream. It was a while ago now and I still get upset every time I think about it. I wish I could have another dream. It makes me feel connected still.

But then, I also think, she deserves to be let go. I should let her go really, but I can't. Thats when I start to think... maybe I need counselling... but I don't know how to go about that. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how long I should be feeling like this? whether this is normal?

Oh and BTW went out for my dads bd meal.... so all the weight I lost this week... probs back on. I'll find out in the morning.

Bonne Nuit xxxx

Eeeep

Okay so, for 2 days I have now managed to stay under 800 calories, no binging :) WOOP!

So happy about that. I know 800 cals is still loads but to go from binge binge binge to being in control is just such an amazing feeling :)

Umm So I can do that again tomorrow, I just weighed in, bearing in mind it is 21:48 and i should really have waited until the morning! But i'm 129 lbs :) wooo I have lost a little bit already cause I would have been less than that this morning! Looking forward to the morning now! :)

Going to sainsburys in the morning to get some stuff for my granddad, I'm going to buy myself some water and a pepper :) 

Bad news though, I have to eat out saturday :( its my dads birthday... eugh. I completely forgot about that. Hopefully I can just have soup or a salad. 

Anywayyy nightt xxxxxx

8 months ago since I blogged.... want to know what... I gained it all back! FUCKS SAKE!

WEIGHT: FAT, UNKNOWN, EMBARRASSED.

So... back to square one.

Truthfully... I think i'm around 130 lbs. I may not be quite that, I feel skinnier than I did a few days ago. 

This may be a long post, considering I haven't posted in 8 months today, oh yeah its actually exactly 8 months today. 

A lot has happened since then. I don't know if i mentioned it in any of my posts cause I haven't re-read them all, but last November my gran was diagnosed with cancer again. She was diagnosed as terminally ill. This has been officially the worst year of my families life. My gran was like a rock, the centre of our family. She became so ill over the winter, it was such an emotional time for us all, and so painful in so many ways for her. I feel like i've been on a complete roller coaster. Okay so I know people always say they're close with their grandparents, even when they're not really.., but we were really close with her :( they live literally round the corner from us, we used to see them all the time, in the holidays I used to go round there every day when I was younger, as i got busier and busier it got less and less. But then they always used to be round with us.Every Sunday after church, then when she got sick they always used to come round for dinners or we'd go round there and cook. Its just so sad to know that she's never going to be there for those things again, I know it was nearly 5 months ago but it still makes me upset every sunday when theres only the 5 of us, or 6 when my granddad's here, but its like i'm trying to fill some hole cause I always ask someone else to dinner, whether its my cousin or "boyfriend" I just want someone else there. 

Anyway, she had a very traumatic couple of months from the beginning of February. When she was rushed into hospital, I say rushed, they weren't exactly quick to come and pick her up, stupid doctors! We thought we were going to lose her that Saturday. We didn't in a selfish way... I say THANK GOD. But from the perspective of her being in pain, it was not good. That was the saturday, by the Tuesday she was in a hospice, she was there until the 19th March when she passed away :(. 

I miss her so much. 

I don't know if i'm ever going to come through this, I wish I could see her every day, I cry every day. I thought the crying would stop by now, but it hasn't. 

In december, I had lost a lot of weight I suppose, but she and other family members said I got too skinny. I was 120 lbs so not really skinny enough. But i felt bad and ate, I was still running due to training for the marathon so I didn't gain much. But when she went into the hospice I was only doing my long runs and my tuesday track sessions every week. I slowed down my running when she passed away and increased my eating because I basically just spent time with my family all the time and they were busy arranging things like the funeral and all of that. I got up and said a prayer at her funeral. I think that was a good thing, it was nice to do it for my gran, and also it stopped me from crying the whole way through the service cause I was too nervous. 

Rest in peace Granny.

On another note... my boyfriend and I are not exactly on lasting terms. He pretty much abandoned me the week my gran died, I didn't even know he had holiday from work until my friend told me and i saw that his facebook was full of him being at the pub. He did see me once that week, he didn't let me get upset or talk about my gran (this was the day after she died) which I will never forgive him for. He didn't even offer to come to the funeral. After that I didn't really want him there anyway, but its made me lose all respect for him. The only reason i'm still with him is because I work with him. I did break up with him for about 3 days in april or may,but i couldn't handle it at work and said i wanted to get back together with him. I feel bad, but then really he wasn't there for me... so you know. If he can't see that were not going to last he's foolish... we barely talk, we always argue, we don't see each other as much... yet he's still going on about when we get a house and have kids. FUCK THAT I want nice children who care about another persons emotions, not people who aren't brought up properly and can't understand human emotion!

So yeah, can't wait to leave my job!

and the plan...

Max 800 calories a day.

Same thing as before...

either a Special K bar & smoothie for breakfast or a boiled egg. 

salad and something like Tuna, quorn sausage, or chicken for lunch oh or sweet potato wedges with paprika cause i love them.

Rice pudding and a salad for dinner, not in that order lol, the other way round. 

Since my gran died i've become more anxious about everything. You know the other day we took pictures of someones grave which is supposed to mean you'll have a death in the immediate family... and this morning a bird flew into the window... which can mean the same thing :| scared. 

Okay i'll shut up now. My blog entries will be loads shorter from now on, I just had to get some stuff down :(

Tomorrow i'll post oh no i won't post my weight cause I won't be here damn. Okay Friday i'll post my weight but tomorrow i'll post what i've eaten. 

Bye <3

Pleased

Okay, so i'm kinda pleased, i weigh 119lbs

I was 118.6 yesterday, but my dad made dinner especially for me, so i had to eat it ffs.

i have 9lbs to go to get to 110lbs now :) I still look fat.

I have this amazing dress I wanted to wear at the weekend, but i can't, i look bloated, so i have to wear a tent instead! fml.

Oh well, at least i cut under 120 finally :)

best go, got lots of work to do but i forgot to update my weight the other day :)

There are days when i'm okay

Aaaaa so happy

120.2

Oh that was this morning.

Oh wait guess what.

Its that now! 

Wooo! maintained the same weight all day, gives me a lovely thing to look forward to in the morning! eeee

Now if for some god unknown reason I am 120 in the morning and not 119. something. I will be ARGH. So annoyed. But tbh right at the moment i'm excited :D I really want to be under 120 cause well 120.2 is the lowest weight I have been in a very VERY long time. Now i know when I swam I was always around 9stone, bearing in mind I had a LOT of muscle back then and now thats just fat so haha thats why i weigh less, i don't look smaller than when I used to swim, well at least not to me anyway :L

Umm I did post something yesterday but it didn't post.

But right now I'm just happy happy happy, 10lbs away from 110! Who wouldn't be happy about that! well,.... i'm not happy about being away from it, I need to be at it, I'm going to work my ass off to be at that weight! I am trying to do it slower though because at least then I really can maintain the weight.

Well i have to drink on Friday, tbh I think i'm going to eat a decent meal aswell, because I'm going out with people i've never been out with before, and i have a tendency to walk off on my own when i'm hammered and get lost :( and tell people I want to stay out ad then get left on my own. even on my birthday :L not good. 

Eeeep, see I told her i'd show her! 

Slow and Steady

121.4 

This feels like i'm never going to get there. 

So close but at this rate, so far. 

Phase 1 is nearly over though. 119lbs i'm 2.4 lbs away from that. 

I think I need to do some fasting at some point. Its just difficult because I have to do all this running. But faster runners, well they're skinnier than me. I need to be the skinniest to be the best! 

So much work to do :(

It has taken me about 5 weeks to do this. 

Another 6-7 weeks and hopefully i'll be somewhere near 110. Somewhere near goal weight number 2!

I'm actually nearly a UK size 8 :) Haven't been a UK 8 in years, it makes me feel so pleased!My boobs are smaller too. I'm a C now, not a D. I'm so glad I didn't throw out all my smaller bras or i'd be stuck with gaping bras at the moment.

Best go do some work. Hope I can muster the energy for an 8 mile run today!