I don't even know

I really don't know what to do right now. 

I don't know what the hell is going on in my mind. I don't know what the hell is going on in my life.

Its like I have 2 sides to myself. One thats very loving and helpful and friendly (bright and shiny me) and then theres the bitch who hates the whole world, including myself and can't even say one nice thing and just flips out at the flick of a switch... who am I? Sometimes that persons just inside my head... its just awful thoughts I have... but sometimes it transforms into the physical self. One I regret as soon as bright and shiny starts to come through again. 

I don't deserve this life. I'm too fucked up! Someone else deserves this more than me :( Someone a lot nicer than me. I'm a waste of space.

I miss my gran so much. My cousin went to a psychic and my gran was there, apparently the psychic was so happy by all the love she felt :) I love my gran so much, she was an amazing person. But the psychic also said that my gran thought my grandad wasn't doing well. I wish there was something I could do but I don't know what, I need to start spending more time with him, I know I do...like lunch and things! I feel like I went back on my word. 

When my gran thought she was going to die, I said we would take care of Grandad. I don't feel like i've done enough. I am such a selfish person. The last conversation I had with Granny... I we both said we love each other. I am so happy that that was the last conversation we had, they're the three words that I think are the best last meaningful things to say to anyone. 

I really wish I could see her again, to speak to her again. I feel like i blew that. I had 3 dreams with her in. One where we just sat there. She was at the foot of her bed just sat on the end and I was at the opposite end, in this dream we just stared at each other. In the second dream she was dead, but then she was alive. In the 3rd we were in a car at sainsburys and my mum was helping my grandad and myself and my gran were sat in the car, her in the drivers seat and me in the back and she just said i'll try and be with you and help you if i remember how and I said "why are you here? how are you here?" and she said "I don't know" and I woke up. I felt so emotional for the whole day after this dream. It was a while ago now and I still get upset every time I think about it. I wish I could have another dream. It makes me feel connected still.

But then, I also think, she deserves to be let go. I should let her go really, but I can't. Thats when I start to think... maybe I need counselling... but I don't know how to go about that. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how long I should be feeling like this? whether this is normal?

Oh and BTW went out for my dads bd meal.... so all the weight I lost this week... probs back on. I'll find out in the morning.

Bonne Nuit xxxx