Is THIS what defines me?

Really? Do I really want this to define who I am, who I have been for the past 3 years of my life. 


I certainly do not want to leave it behind just yet. But who says I have a choice anyway? You know you really don't!


Seems strange that I want to mark it though. I've wanted this particular tattoo for the past two years. Was thinking of getting it for my 21st birthday next month. My boyfriend asked me if it actually meant something to me. I thought about it (of course I didn't tell him). And the only thing I can even in the slightest bit relate it to is my ED. I don't even know why. Could be that at the time for some bizarre reason, this thing made me happy. Like I had purpose. Purpose to get thin... that's about it. Was I happy really? Or was I just happy being in pain? Punishing myself for the things I had been doing over previous year. The stuff I probably shouldn't have done. Stuff I don't necessarily regret, but I suppose I just shouldn't have done. 


No one else would ever understand what it means to me. Well you guys might, if you're reading this, slightly. 


It's Sienna Millers tattoo of the Swallow on her wrist btw. I'm a copycat lol. It just appeals to me. Its pretty.


Bonne nuit mon amies.


xxx

Well.

So I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.

Well, felt like it many a time, but my laptops just been playing up.

Been getting my dissertation finished as well :) COMPLETE :) HAPPY :)

Had such a hard couple of weeks, bingeing non stop i swear! im 125.4 well i was this morning. I went up a bit more but lost some over the past couple of days.

I have no control. I'm a mess.

My boyfriends decided that i don't have a problem. Thats fine with me. Except if i don't want to eat... what is your effing problem telling me to eat! DIPSHIT!

Life's angering me.

Bleh

Argh

I don't get it, my bf he goes and gets himself a personal trainer... 3 weeks ago... he's been eating crap still, only exercising once a week and he loses a stone. SERIOUSLY!

i've been eating next to nothing and i've lost well... i did lose 5lbs but i've put 2 on... so woop deee dooo 3 measley little pounds! (I keep binginggg need to calm it down as from tomorrow although today i've done... okay) 

I'm happy for him i am, its a great achievement... it just makes me feel... hopeless.

As a reward though i'm buying him a new t-shirt :)

I need to set up my own rewards... hmm

I nearly purged today, got really angry about my disseration, I just sat there staring at the bathroom for a while, I restrained myself I hadn't even eaten anything, i was just panicked and angry. I hate me.

Anyway lets get back to rewards... seeing as i'm now 126lbs... again... i'll just do really small rewards

124lbs i get to do my own pedicure

122lbs bake some low fat macaroons

120lbs I'm allowed to buy a new top

118lbs Go swimming but just for the Jacuzzi and sauna :)

116lbs Buy the ice cream maker (for making frozen yogurt)

114lbs (i'll think of this later :))

112lbs New charm for my pandora bracelet

110lbs new bikini haha :)

ANywayy thats gona be expensiveee :) was looking at ice cream makers today, best cheap one i can find is a phillips one for £50 the other ones are all annoying looking and sounding :L 

and i'll shut up now :)

Night Stay Strong :) X