Lower again

121.8

Lowest weight for over 2 years now :) and the lowest i've got without lax's.

Break 120 soon :). Although I have a strong feeling a binge is on the cards for today. I'm sat in the kitchen doing my work. Already had a smoothie an hour n 15 mins ago then just decided to eat a waffle... so theres 190 calories already.

I feel really tired, don't know why... I had 10 hours sleep!

Got my essay due in tomorrow morning... for some reason I decided to not bother to finish it... it had 300 words to go... and just needed to change my grammar... bt no i didn't bother cause I'm an idiot.

so best go do that now :( x

.

I didn't weigh for a few days, I was too lazy. Well really I think I was too scared.


Anyway I went to the track last night and ran my butt off so I am now


123.4


If I hadn't been such a lazy arse all week it would be lower by now. I need desperately to break 120! So desperately!!!


I will do it, just watch me. I'm going to get some sugar free red bull again, cause all this time I haven't had it, I weigh more. 


I think I was 122.4 or something the other week cause the graph on my fitness pal is lower than this, not sure though cause my heads in 15000 places right now and I cannot remember anything. 


I am going to be 122.4 when I wake up tomorrow morning! I'm not eating anything after lunch. I'll eat lunch cause I get asked 1503030434 questions if i'm weak and dizzy at running. 


I found a dress I want to wear to our christmas party, I can only wear it if i'm 110 lbs. If not, i'll look disgusting in it and have to get something baggy that covers every ounce of my body!


Thing I hate about restricting in the winter is that its so bloody cold anyway! and this just makes it worse. but then at least theres an excuse to be cold... I suppose.  

.

I didn't weigh for a few days, I was too lazy. Well really I think I was too scared.


Anyway I went to the track last night and ran my butt off so I am now


123.4


If I hadn't been such a lazy arse all week it would be lower by now. I need desperately to break 120! So desperately!!!


I will do it, just watch me. I'm going to get some sugar free red bull again, cause all this time I haven't had it, I weigh more. 


I think I was 122.4 or something the other week cause the graph on my fitness pal is lower than this, not sure though cause my heads in 15000 places right now and I cannot remember anything. 


I am going to be 122.4 when I wake up tomorrow morning! I'm not eating anything after lunch. I'll eat lunch cause I get asked 1503030434 questions if i'm weak and dizzy at running. 


I found a dress I want to wear to our christmas party, I can only wear it if i'm 110 lbs. If not, i'll look disgusting in it and have to get something baggy that covers every ounce of my body!


Thing I hate about restricting in the winter is that its so bloody cold anyway! and this just makes it worse. but then at least theres an excuse to be cold... I suppose.  

Unshifted

Haha, not even sure if that is a word "unshifted".

Well 124 lbs, still. 

Hmm not sure if i've used that picture before :S


Well swimming tonight. Been stood around all day clapping at my mums run. Not actually going to run today because i'm swimming later and my muscles keep cramping! 


Save the run for tomorrow morning :)


Need to get my essay finished today without fail! 


Yay fams not eating a roast dinner today either so I can have something low cal that I want :) Gives me more pleasure for tomorrows result!


Can't wait until Wednesday morning, I always weigh at least a pound less after that session.


I have a fat spot on my chin. FML!


Right best get on with some work :)

Aims

124lbs

Well, Desperate times calls for desperate measures. I have 4 weeks to lose 14lbs. 3.5lbs per week. 

Oh that means, actually getting off my backside and running. EVERY DAY. WITHOUT FAIL.

I can do it! I'll be so pleased with myself at 110. 

It won't stop there don't worry. I thought i'd feel more comfortable at 120, I'm 4 lbs off that now and still feel like the heffalump I was before.

By next saturday, I must be 120.5. 

I can do it. 

And you know what, If I haven't made it, you can punish your stupid fat body with laxies. Because you have this time to lose this weight. If you don't you're a failure!

You're a failure already. So lets turn that around!

.

Just decided on my new tattoo... i'm not getting it yet, but in a couple of years i'll get it if I still want it :)

Have to make sure I can get a job first, already got one that i'll probably have to cover up!

Just been swimming and worked as hard as possible to burn as many calories as possible! an hour session goes so quickly compared to those sessions which used to be like 2 hours! Used to want to get out pretty much straight away! 

I found a new diet buddy too, we have about the same amount of weight to lose so thats awesome :) we'll do it together step by step :) to my secret weight of 110lbs... Natural weight my ARSE. You'll see me at 110lbs and you'll be shocked. I'll be pleased, more than pleased :) 

Or I want that tattoo but saying Believe, i'm not sure yet :) Will have to wait and see :)

Heres to being less in the morning. PLEASE! x

.

124.2

On my way back down, slowly but surely...

Well actually I'm slightly confused. Yesterday I binged like crazy, and I mean crazy, that lunch I went for was about 1840 calories, I mean seriously, one lunch! I went way over 2000 for the day, I am so ashamed with myself. 

But today, the scale read 124.2... so yeah,... slightly confused....

But maybe it'll all catch up on me tomorrow? all those fatty deposits?

Swimming in 40 mins, not even bothered to get ready, cba, but I must do it to burn those 8 jaffa cakes I just binged on :S

Hopefully tomorrow, the scale reads 123. something.

<3 I need it to really, then I can be 122. something on Monday, I'll be so happy to see 122... But not as happy as i'll be at 119 :D aaaa to break 120 :D fantastic.

Going to buy some more energy drinks, they seem to help with losing weight, you see I haven't had any since wednesday, so thats probably a contributing factor for gaining?? Maybe?? I don't know, it just seems that way.

Someones here, best go

:) STAY STRONG :)

X

Bleh

Well Back to shit. 

Basically Skinny for me = a long way off.

125lbs that scales read this morning. FML.

Also stupid boyfriend is taking me out for stupid dinner tomorrow lunch time. well at least its at lunch time I suppose. Can work it OFF.

He's been trying to take me out for weeks so i have to go I guess. Need to go back to planning food again!

Oh and I sat down to get one thing done tonight, just 1000 words... but i can't get it done! should be easy! But I don't know what to write! 

Well bye. hopefully tomorrow will be better. x

Uncontrollable

123 lbs

This morning. Eugh but some fat bitch. Oh ME... ate shit, I had a subway at lunch. and just ate a fucking mcdonalds for dinner. GO me! I have fucking issues.

So basically. All that control I had. Well basics I'm just going to be fat now. Cheers to that

So who's to put an estimate on my shitty weight tomorrow? Oh i'd say just around 125! I bet you any money i'll have put on 2lbs. But I suppose in any "diet" someone needs to have a cheat day. Keeps the metabolism going... only I do a cheat day with two shitty takeaways! Fuck That.

But aside from that. 123lbs Thats a fantastic achievement, one of which I am proud of. 123lbs without lax, without purging. I can do it without "cheating".

sooo now I have to drag myself back down to 123 again after tomorrow :|

eughhhh x

Coping

124.4

Lowest i've been for a LONG time! 

Lifes shit at the moment though, so its not impressing me that much.

Not really fussed about what it'll be tomorrow, can't see it being less, my body hates me at the moment, wait no I hate my body. Oh i hate everything at the moment. FUcking hate winter it gets me down, fucking hate facts of life they get me down too. 

Screw it.

I try,

Feels like its taken for granted 

I know you feel sad, I know that, but do you know how this is affecting me to? No you don't.

I try for you, to alleviate some of the pain for you, you and I do more than anyone else, so thank God you have me and stop asking me to do things. I can't do everything!

sdkfovnjfbn

Ahhh... 125 lbs Thank God.

down .8 lbs from my plateau.

And I poo'd lol. after weighing though, so in theory, i'm less than 125 eee.

Today though, I ate a full dinner :|

went swimming though, can't actually move my arms. Eugh

Best be less tomorrow.

Oh my dad bought me lax's ahhahaha

I told them that i hadn't been in 5 days and they were like eat some weetabix do this do that and i was like no weetabix makes me sick and blah blah and then I came home from work and my dad had bought me chocolate senna lax... I'm glad I have them, means if i binge, I have something to fall back on! :D don't know how effective they are though :S

I am doing pretty well at the moment though, haven't gone over 700 calories all week! I don't even think I did today with that dinner, I burnt off quite a bit with swimming aswell :)

Eugh at uni tomorrow! ah crap they might wan a go for mcdonalds! I have to eat something or my stomach won't shut the fuck up through the whole thing. Like last time, was the first time we saw everyone my stomach rumbled so effing much the whole time they must have thought i was weird!

Night x

haha

Not a laughing matter really, guess what I weigh now:

125.8

fml. .4 of a lb.

Guess why... basically I haven't done a poo in 4 days, so its food weight, well it must be. Gotta be less than that. I've binged today though. so basics I'm gone be heavier, woo hoo my life is just fab.

ARGH

Whatever

I will be thin, no matter how long it takes

Stay Strong

X 

Quick

Quick blog before the bf comes round.

At a major plateau. err.

125.4 for the second day in a row. 

Tomorrow, I cannot see that being any worse, it must drop tomorrow, theres no way it could stay the same! If it goes up, i'll be completely :S.

Oh my mum knows I weigh everyday... "because the scales are always moved" dick head. Why do I do that. I need to put them in the same place. Its cause she weighs in stones... I weigh in pounds. fml.

So I bought some Quorn stuff today, much lower calories than the carnivores eat. 

I decided I may aswell be veggie :L

Nah, I don't think I could do it, although it would be another thing i could feel guilty about when it all goes wrong!

I have 160 cals left for the day, but because I want to lose a bit for tomorrow i'll sacrifice them. well i could drink another hot chocolate... already got one at the mo, that would take another 40cals off/ not too bad.

AAa my boyfriend wants me to go with him to his uncles tomorrow, They're a fat fam, too much food all the time. His uncle is making a curry, and doing fireworks and all that. Reasons I don't want to go:

1) The Curry, I don't even like curry... but christ I am raring to BINGE so I do not want to be around food like that and people telling me to have some, and telling me i'll like it. WHEN I WON'T so it is NOT worth it!

2) The fireworks, I frigging hate private firework displays! Nearly got hurt by one at a real firework display years ago. Eugh. THey always go wrong. 

3) His auntie always seems moody, Like she doesn't like me or something. I don't get her :S Not at all. So I don't like being round there. I'm quiet, I don't fit in at these social things.

So body, work some magic for me :)

Oh I start swimming on Sunday, (please don't look bloated). Tried my costume on yesterday and eugh I look fat. FAT. FATTT!

Right I best go get on with some work. Wish me LUCK. If I go to the fireworks i'll update, actually I'll let you know tomorrow morning when i've weighed, and hopefully weigh 124.something :) 

Think Thin X

Bad Day

Not happy right now, but not going to go into it, its unnecessary.

125.4 effing pounds. Shit. ate 400 cals yesterday burned pretty much that.. didn't get me anywhere.

Confusedd.com

Anyway, today is the worst day ever.

The end.

Scared

Wow, well I don't understand how this is happening, but I am extremely pleased, you know how I asked my body to do the work, well it did...

124.8 lbs.

I broke 125 :D for the first time in 2 years, I am under 125, I feel so happy. Scares me though because I have to keep this up, for the past two days I have lost 1.8lbs per day. 3.6lbs altogether. My BMI has gone from 21.4 to 20.8. ECSTATIC :)

Well, in all truth, i'm not expecting to lose tomorrow. I do have an hour running session later, and i'm going to do 30 minutes on the cross trainer, but honestly, I can't get that lucky can I? 

So to reach my first goal weight, I now have 5.8lbs to lose. Not much, less than half a stone, but really It'll be a lot. It'll seem a lot, my metabolism can't keep this up forever!

But i'm not going to stop eating, because for this to work, I need some sort of metabolism working in my body.

Do you know what i'm scared of,

Christmas, when all the family is round, and I will hopefully be 111.2lbs. I'll be that, I won't want to eat much, OH SHIT i've just thought of something worse, my works christmas do, I can get out of eating, because quite frankly no one gives two shits about you, they only care about themselves, and they'll just think I don't like the food or something. But my running christmas party, I can't, argh, and that is 3 days before christmas! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO! i'd have to run a half marathon to burn off what I would have to eat out! UNLESS we go to a tapas bar, yes good idea, i'll suggest that one :) means I can just have a small amount :) drink fuck loads of alcohol and no one will know :) Vodka and diet cokes :) best I can do, 

Ahh, i feel a bit better now, but I swear to god if it puts me off track for my christmas goal weight i'll scream. I like going to them, cause they're just hilarious. Maybe i'll be ill and won't have to go anyway, just because of those unnecessary calories, hmm. I might not even make it anyway, (to my goal weight that is) I may try and work on maintaining 119... just so it makes the journey to 111 a lot easier. 

Was thinking about it last night, thats still 8 stone!!! I do not want to be 8 stone, we'll see how I feel then, how ready i will be to move to 7 and a half. I hope this all works out, I really do. I've been so in and out of depression and this fat I lug around every day does not help.

Wana know another thin that scares me. This whole ED itself, I can't leave the house without checking if i look fat in something, not me checking, but someone else checking, because i don't have a clue anymore. I think I look 80% of the time, don't get me wrong there really are some days when i'm okay, and I can look at that disgusting thing in the mirror. but others i really can't!

Stay strong

xx

Down Down Down

Sorry about that long post below. Wasn't expecting to write that much haha...

Well I didn't eat salmon tonight, cause my dad ate my piece before I got home from the track. So I had half a can of tuna instead, which was half the calories of the salmon anyway so all is well :) 

I did 4x400m, 14x300m and 4x400m tonight :) Running is a killer. But God is it worth it!.

Weighed myself when I'd eaten my tuna and some salad... only .4 of an pound away from what I was this morning, weighed myself again after a boiling hot bath and i'd sweated out .2 of a pound, I know thats only water weight but i did drink half a pint of water when I was in the bath. Drinking water that is, not bath water haha. 

So i'm excited to see what I weigh tomorrow, haha I shouldn't be really... because I'll probably wake up tomorrow morning and be heavier! Just because someone wants to annoy me and make me fatter overnight. 

Please Please Please break 126 tomorrow, I will love you forever body, I will help you to get thinner with the control of my mind, just do your thing and metabolise those fats! Please leave my muscle alone for as long as you can, you don't need it, there's too much fat for you to need it. 

Okay just so I don't make this another huge post. I'll stop and I'll post my update tomorrow. 

Night my dears (even though as I said, i don't think anyone reads this)

Stay strong X

Back

So... I have not blogged in a while. No one reads this anyway I'm guessing.

But it helps me to just write it somewhere. 

down 1.8lbs since yesterday.

That makes me 126.6 ... yes I am still pretty much a failure. My self control disappeared. Fortunately it is back. 

I was looking at my fitness pal reports yesterday. The lowest i've been for 2 years now is 125.2. Shocking that really. Seeing as about 2 months before I was 120. 

Going to break that this time. I'm aiming to lose at least 2lbs per week. I've lose 1.8lbs this week so far and guess what, were only 2 days in. Thats Fab.

My first goal. Which must be reached by the end of November, is 119 lbs.

Now as far as anyone else is aware, that is the weight I want to be at and maintain. AS IF! 

My second goal. Which I will reach by 24th December is 111.2lbs. Specifically this because according to my fitness pal, I will be underweight after 111.2 Now I don't know how true that is because i've always thought 112 is my lowest weight I can go to according to BMI. 

So yes thats what my aims are for now.

I will plan more weight loss on the 1st January. Only because that time from 24th December-31st December, that week I will work on maintaining 111.2, if I maintain it for a while, it will become my natural weight.

Funny thing natural weight

A friend I had ages ago, she said my natural weight must be what I was then, which is half a stone heavier than I am now (a weight i've maintained for about a year. So what I say to that is FUCK YOU (Although, at that time, I was in a better state of mind, what some people would call healthy, me I call it deluded, I obviously couldn't see how fat I was, so agreed)! Just yesterday another friend said to me that it must be my natural weight, the weight I am at now. I won't say Fuck you because I like her, but seriously, it angers me, it makes me, well actually in a way it motivates me, but it also depresses me. I know for a fact that there is NO such thing as a persons natural weight. No such thing at all. Simply because, what I have was eating at my first "natural" weight... well that was beyond natural, I ate way too much for the energy I was expending. Its the same now, yet, to lose the weight, your expenditure must exceed your intake. So there we go... obviously the great phenomenon... eat less exercise more. Seriously ... is that Rocket science? So no dear friend, this is not my "natural weight". You'll see. I'll show you.

I'm going to link this blog on my twitter, I just want to thank everyone on twitter because you are all amazing inspiration. If i'd managed to find that earlier, where pro ana had gone. As to be honest... it doesn't really exist too well on the internet anymore, except for blogs, twitter and tumblr. But alas I found it :)... took a while.

So if I post my intake for yesterday.

Breakfast: Sugar free red bull

Lunch: Soup, coffee

Dinner: one very small sweet potato, and 5 pieces of pasta

Snacks: 100ml Naked smoothie, 3 mikado sticks, 1 hot chocolate

To be fair, I did eat more than I originally anticipated. I need to figure out what made me lose that 1.8lbs.

I want to see whether sugar free red bull... the caffeine in it and the taurine help me lose weight. Surely they do. I also have not had a bm... so there is food still inside me for the past 3 days.

Today I have had:

Breakfast: 1 boiled egg

Lunch: 3 pizza fingers, lettuce and mixed pepper salad. Diet blue bolt(same stuff as red bull just cheaper)

and for dinner I am having a piece of salmon.

I'm running tonight (extremely hard session) so i do have to make sure I have substantial enough food in me. but don't worry it'll definitely all be burnt off, you have no idea how hard these sessions are!

I hope to at least lose that .2 of a pound tomorrow, that'll be me sorted for the week ;) but if i can exceed it... all I can say is I love you body (not the way you look but the way you work)

Stay strong my dears :)

x