Scared

Wow, well I don't understand how this is happening, but I am extremely pleased, you know how I asked my body to do the work, well it did...

124.8 lbs.

I broke 125 :D for the first time in 2 years, I am under 125, I feel so happy. Scares me though because I have to keep this up, for the past two days I have lost 1.8lbs per day. 3.6lbs altogether. My BMI has gone from 21.4 to 20.8. ECSTATIC :)

Well, in all truth, i'm not expecting to lose tomorrow. I do have an hour running session later, and i'm going to do 30 minutes on the cross trainer, but honestly, I can't get that lucky can I? 

So to reach my first goal weight, I now have 5.8lbs to lose. Not much, less than half a stone, but really It'll be a lot. It'll seem a lot, my metabolism can't keep this up forever!

But i'm not going to stop eating, because for this to work, I need some sort of metabolism working in my body.

Do you know what i'm scared of,

Christmas, when all the family is round, and I will hopefully be 111.2lbs. I'll be that, I won't want to eat much, OH SHIT i've just thought of something worse, my works christmas do, I can get out of eating, because quite frankly no one gives two shits about you, they only care about themselves, and they'll just think I don't like the food or something. But my running christmas party, I can't, argh, and that is 3 days before christmas! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO! i'd have to run a half marathon to burn off what I would have to eat out! UNLESS we go to a tapas bar, yes good idea, i'll suggest that one :) means I can just have a small amount :) drink fuck loads of alcohol and no one will know :) Vodka and diet cokes :) best I can do, 

Ahh, i feel a bit better now, but I swear to god if it puts me off track for my christmas goal weight i'll scream. I like going to them, cause they're just hilarious. Maybe i'll be ill and won't have to go anyway, just because of those unnecessary calories, hmm. I might not even make it anyway, (to my goal weight that is) I may try and work on maintaining 119... just so it makes the journey to 111 a lot easier. 

Was thinking about it last night, thats still 8 stone!!! I do not want to be 8 stone, we'll see how I feel then, how ready i will be to move to 7 and a half. I hope this all works out, I really do. I've been so in and out of depression and this fat I lug around every day does not help.

Wana know another thin that scares me. This whole ED itself, I can't leave the house without checking if i look fat in something, not me checking, but someone else checking, because i don't have a clue anymore. I think I look 80% of the time, don't get me wrong there really are some days when i'm okay, and I can look at that disgusting thing in the mirror. but others i really can't!

Stay strong

xx