Is THIS what defines me?

Really? Do I really want this to define who I am, who I have been for the past 3 years of my life. 


I certainly do not want to leave it behind just yet. But who says I have a choice anyway? You know you really don't!


Seems strange that I want to mark it though. I've wanted this particular tattoo for the past two years. Was thinking of getting it for my 21st birthday next month. My boyfriend asked me if it actually meant something to me. I thought about it (of course I didn't tell him). And the only thing I can even in the slightest bit relate it to is my ED. I don't even know why. Could be that at the time for some bizarre reason, this thing made me happy. Like I had purpose. Purpose to get thin... that's about it. Was I happy really? Or was I just happy being in pain? Punishing myself for the things I had been doing over previous year. The stuff I probably shouldn't have done. Stuff I don't necessarily regret, but I suppose I just shouldn't have done. 


No one else would ever understand what it means to me. Well you guys might, if you're reading this, slightly. 


It's Sienna Millers tattoo of the Swallow on her wrist btw. I'm a copycat lol. It just appeals to me. Its pretty.


Bonne nuit mon amies.


xxx

Well.

So I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.

Well, felt like it many a time, but my laptops just been playing up.

Been getting my dissertation finished as well :) COMPLETE :) HAPPY :)

Had such a hard couple of weeks, bingeing non stop i swear! im 125.4 well i was this morning. I went up a bit more but lost some over the past couple of days.

I have no control. I'm a mess.

My boyfriends decided that i don't have a problem. Thats fine with me. Except if i don't want to eat... what is your effing problem telling me to eat! DIPSHIT!

Life's angering me.

Bleh

Argh

I don't get it, my bf he goes and gets himself a personal trainer... 3 weeks ago... he's been eating crap still, only exercising once a week and he loses a stone. SERIOUSLY!

i've been eating next to nothing and i've lost well... i did lose 5lbs but i've put 2 on... so woop deee dooo 3 measley little pounds! (I keep binginggg need to calm it down as from tomorrow although today i've done... okay) 

I'm happy for him i am, its a great achievement... it just makes me feel... hopeless.

As a reward though i'm buying him a new t-shirt :)

I need to set up my own rewards... hmm

I nearly purged today, got really angry about my disseration, I just sat there staring at the bathroom for a while, I restrained myself I hadn't even eaten anything, i was just panicked and angry. I hate me.

Anyway lets get back to rewards... seeing as i'm now 126lbs... again... i'll just do really small rewards

124lbs i get to do my own pedicure

122lbs bake some low fat macaroons

120lbs I'm allowed to buy a new top

118lbs Go swimming but just for the Jacuzzi and sauna :)

116lbs Buy the ice cream maker (for making frozen yogurt)

114lbs (i'll think of this later :))

112lbs New charm for my pandora bracelet

110lbs new bikini haha :)

ANywayy thats gona be expensiveee :) was looking at ice cream makers today, best cheap one i can find is a phillips one for £50 the other ones are all annoying looking and sounding :L 

and i'll shut up now :)

Night Stay Strong :) X

Happyy

Well i'm now 125 well i was this morning weighed a while ago and i was like 126.4 or something ahh well wonder what it will be tomorrow :D best be a good one :L

Started the Skinny Girl diet, but its modified slightly, some group on pt are doing the 300's as 900's im going to join them, i dont stick to it whne the calories get too low, especially if i have to run a lot :)

i also have to switch my 900 calorie days to wednesdays because of running :L

i've successfully completed the first two days :L both at 400 :) feeling quite dizzy thoughh :( so having some peppermint teaaa :) Pleasee pleasee pleaseee be under 125 tomorrow :)

Can't believe im under 9st againn, makes me so happy :D

Stay strongg :)

please follow mee :) Nymph looks lonelyy :( x

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Well,

Todays been just fab!
Not!

I was doing absolutely fabb, ate nothing all day long. Came home still ate nothing
My family ordered a chinese. I had to eat it :( im getting so pissed off at my mum right now! Past 3 days she has made me eat dinner!!!!!!

I am now completely regretting throwing out those laxatives in my "self recovery" stint! Would have saved my life right now! I can't bring myself to purge anymore. I want to when i feel like this. But i cant, something stops me, it makes me cry duno why. I want to cry anyway.

I wish i could. Ive got no where to go and just cry!

Arghhh! Tomorrow, EASTER! Fuck! Pisses me off. I do not want eggs. They linger in my room. My mum calls me a squirrel cause i store it. I kinda like that.

I cannot see what im typing right now. Im on my iphone and i cant load a full screen it keeps scrolling up lol.

Anyway yeah easter, have to go to my cousins for a bbq. I would be able to get out of eating easily. If i hadnt had 3 meals with them already this week. Some reason why i didnt want all the food at each meal! One day i just had a bit of pasta and salad whilst everyone one had spagetti bolagneise (cant spell) then one day salmon and salad. Everyone else had cod and chips and whatever the ell else. Fucking soooo annoyed!!! Monday i am starting the skinny girl diet. I can do it easily if peopel can just leave me alonee!!!!

Hmmm i wonder how much i'll lose on the sgd :) hopefully at least 10lbs:)

I need to buy lax's actually maybe if i dont buy them i'll have more willpower.
Anyway i should go to sleep.

Night :)

Yay!

126.8

Haven't eaten anything yet! Might have half a bagel soon as I need to do a 30 minute run later. CBA at the moment anyway.

So pleased its gone down though!

Pleaseee be under 126 tomorrow!

I need to get some work done on my dissertation today so I need to stay away from everyone's blogs all day!

Will post again later hopefully i've managed to stay in control!

Stay Strong X

ARGH!

Well, great start for my new blog!

Eaten, LOADS

Well I was doing well, made some porridge, i can't eat it anyway it makes me feel sick, had about 3 spoonfuls and chucked it out. 

For lunch I had a weightwatchers bagel and cottage cheese. (under 200cals)

I was fine until then, would have had a veg stirfry for dinner and my whole day would have all been under 500 cals!

BUT NO! decided to eat a chocolate fudge cake because my friend was having one! SERIOUSLY! 

740 calories!!!!!

Well

Running burned 465 calories so... made up for some of it. 

Then my mum made me eat some pasta thing, it is low fat though, supposed to be 245 calories per portion, i had about 1/4 of a portion approx 62 calories really. eugh

I dont know why but i'm starving right now! I'm going to go have some green tea i think or i wont sleep :(

Weighed myself after my run and that dinner was 129lbs, had just drank a diet coke and 2 glasses of water aswell.

Hopefully it'll be under 128 tomorrow.

Well it best be! 

Running first thing in the morning anyway!

Good Night ~x